Beautiful Chaos

Hello and welcome to the blog!

Today has just been one of those days, you know what I mean? Well, it's not been a bad day per se, but my emotions have run basically from one extreme to another. And I've actually kind of been this way for a few days now.

If you read my last post then you will know that we are currently in the process of moving and packing your whole home up in boxes is an extremely daunting task (or at least it is for me). We are to the point in packing now where nothing really feels normal anymore. Specifically our bedroom right now just feels like it's almost foreign. We are currently working on packing up our closet (probably the biggest deal to pack for us because it's where most of the junk is) and that has overflowed into our bedroom and bathroom *see cover photo*.

I am totally one of those people too that can be really affected by my house being completely out of sorts and especially my bedroom. If my bedroom is a disaster, I struggle to fully relax when I go to bed. I'm not like this with the entire house (although I feel like if there is a mess somewhere I go to bed with a slight feeling of distress knowing I'll have to deal with it later) but our bedroom is like my happy place when it is a mess it kind of feels like I'm a mess. Is that just me?

When I start feeling this great overwhelming sensation it kind of starts like system overload for me. I feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed then I lose my appetite (I'm not a stress eater at all), then I don't eat enough and my energy levels drop and I don't sleep as well, then I'm tired and my anxiety skyrockets like it's on a mission to get to the moon. And... yeah, that's not a good look for me. Today it's all really hit. My anxiety has just been crazy and I will say that I am a hypochondriac (never been clinically diagnosed but fairly certain I am considering my anxious thoughts about my health). If something changes in my body or feels different, I'm basically one of those people who go to WebMD and decide that I can't possibly just have a headache, it must be something severely worse! Yeah, I've actually banned myself from looking up physical symptoms on the internet...

So without getting into detail, today, I was just having one of those moments of lots of anxiety and overwhelm. But here's the beautiful thing that happened. I was praying tonight in the shower (anyone else do shower prayers?!) and God helped me to slow down for a second and think about all this craziness my anxiety was causing. I was praying and praying about something that I had essential made up to be wrong with me with, in reality, nothing really is. So then my prayer took a turn and God guided my mind to reality. The reason I'm overwhelmed at the moment is because of all the mess of moving. That is not a bad thing. This move is such a blessing to us in more ways than just getting a bigger house. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks at one time and I said something to God like "Nothing is wrong. I am blessed beyond anything I could ever comprehend and I'm making up things to be wrong and to be worried about. God, forgive me."

Someone I look up to in my life is my late grandmother who, in her lifetime, went through tremendous heartbreak and still marched forward with strength and faith like you wouldn't believe. But one thing about her (that I've totally inherited) is this ability to make up worries. My dad used to say "If there's nothing to worry about, mom will make something up to worry about!" and honestly? That's me. But what does that do? What does that accomplish? It only allows a foothold for Satan to work and steal the joy that we have in the Lord.

I've got to be better. I've got to do better. This is what I said to God. And I know He is going to help me. Do you know how I know He's going to help me? Let me share some truth.

Shortly after my prayer, I sat down to read my nightly devotional and it was talking about how sometimes it's so hard being a mom because you don't know what your kids need and you just don't know what to do. It goes on to give some advice and then ultimately go to God because He knows what dealing with unruly children is like and He will listen to you and understand you. Then it cited 1 John 5:14-15 which says this:

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." - 1 John 5:14-15

I was basically speechless. I started crying and was just really in awe of the goodness of our God. I knew that asking God to help me do better and focus on Him and not allow Satan to get his foot in the door of my heart is according to God's will. When I asked God to help me, He gave me this answer. He was basically like "Yes, I will help you. All you have to do is ask."

How incredible is that? God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I'm so grateful this evening for this and it has truly helped my overwhelmed heart in the midst of this beautiful chaos.

Thank you so much for reading.

Until next time.