But I Have Control

Control.

It’s what we all want, isn’t it?

Something I’ve never spoken of on my Instagram or blog thus far is my battle with anxiety. Why? Because after years of fighting, I felt like I finally had control of it.

Control.

If you’ve seen my previous posts, you may know that I’ve recently stopped breastfeeding my son. While I was breastfeeding I didn’t drink anything with caffeine. The one thing I missed (in true Kentucky girl fashion) was sweet tea. Now, in the past 3 years my anxiety has reached a peak and something that I learned about myself is that caffeine isn’t good for me. Caffeine is a major trigger for my anxiety. But this week I’ve went crazy and drank lots of sweet tea. Why?

Because I had my anxiety “under control”.

Control.

But here I am, typing this as it’s nearly 3:30am and I’m waking up having panic attacks for the first time in months. They are maybe more of mini-panic attacks but still. I am someone who has no trouble going to sleep hardly ever. I love sleep and tonight I can fall asleep but wake up minutes later in sheer panic and dread, thinking that my family is in danger; someone has broken in, a fire has started, a plane is crashing into our house, I have COVID, I’m paralyzed, etc. And the reason for this? Because I thought I had control and I made a poor decision.

Control

The lapse of judgement is causing me major lack of sleep after a particularly exhausting day. And another trigger for my anxiety? Exhaustion. What a cycle.

All because I thought I had control.

Control.

It’s pretty terrifying to think what happened inside my brain in just a day when I decided I had control. But you know what I believe, truly? This is my reminder. God is saying “why did you take back from Me what you laid down at the Cross? Why do you suddenly think you are strong enough to carry this? Have I not taken care of you? Have I not been faithful to provide? Give it back. You’re not strong enough and that’s okay because I am and I will take care of you.”

I’m a person that has really been able to hear God speak and it’s been thanks to this trial of anxiety that I’ve learned to hear God’s voice so clearly and learned to let Him be in control.

Control.

He is in control. I pray every day for God to make me sensitive to his Spirit and to be aware that any moment is an opportunity for God to sand down my rough edges. God can use any moment to mold you, change you and make you better.

This was my wake up call. Had this not happened, I’m sure I would’ve stumbled upon to other things that make me weak. Watching shows that are inappropriate or listening to music that fill my head with the wrong message or skipping out on/speeding through my prayer time. Those all may seem rather small but for myself and my walk, it’s huge. I have to be very careful and today, I messed up all because I wanted control.

Control.

My question to you is what are you controlling? What are you trying to dictate that’s far too big for you? What’s making you lose sleep and makes your skin crawl? Friends, I have an answer and it’s Jesus. He is all you need.

Besides, God is in control anyway, ehh not let it just be that way? Whatever is ailing you, whatever is discouraging you, whatever is draining you, whatever is stressing you, whatever you are trying to control... lay it down. God will provide.

I do truly hope whenever you find yourself reading this that it’s not 3:45am as it is for me as I write this. But if you are reading this, I challenge you to pray to God to be sensitive to His Spirit. You never know exactly how He will change you and how exactly that will make your life blessed.

Thank you so much for reading. I’m so glad you’re here.

Until next time.