Counting Down

On the day I'm sitting down to write this, I am 13 days from my scheduled c-section.

That's a bit intense considering I just found out I'm pregnant, right? I'm also just kidding I didn't really just find out I was pregnant. I've known it for I guess about 9 months now. It has flown by and I know there are different reasons for that.

When I was pregnant with my oldest son, the pregnancy felt like it dragged, and he even came early at 39 weeks (which is when we scheduled this delivery as well). But the difference is, that I didn't have anything to do. It probably sounds a bit backward because I had a traditional job at the time. I was teaching full-time. I worked all day long. Weekends flew by because I didn't want them to end. Meetings and paperwork and teaching filled my day. But, the pregnancy dragged on and on.

This time, I feel like I've barely been pregnant. It feels like I just found out and now in just 13 short days (or less), my youngest son will be here. My doctor said last week about the time frame, "yeah that's like 5 seconds!". But it's gone by so fast because I have had the time to enjoy myself with my oldest son. We've gone to weekly programs at the library, we've had swim lessons, we've had shopping trips, we've been sick (actually quite a lot), we've watched movies, we've read tons of books, and we've played countless imaginary games (particularly about dinosaurs). On a normal day, I look back on my pregnancy and I feel a lot of mom guilt. I feel like I've not done enough, I've pacified him too much with screens when I wasn't feeling well. But when I really sit down to think about it, we've really had a good go of it. And I am so thankful for this time. Maybe that's why the pregnancy has gone by so quickly. They say time flies when you are having fun and I certainly have had a lot more fun spending my days, no matter how long, with my sweet firstborn son than I ever did at my teaching job.

As the days wind down, I simultaneously feel like I'm prepared and like I'm drowning and I couldn't possibly be really ready to welcome another member into our family. It always just seems like one thing after the other just when you think you've got everything done.

For example, what happens 3 weeks before I am due to deliver? Our washer begins spitting out loads of black flakes (presumably mold and soap scum). Obviously, I can't wash our clothes in that. Long story short after lots of debate, scrubbing, and tears, we had to buy a new washing machine. We got our washer not even a full week later (such a blessing), I get caught up on laundry, and 2 weeks before I'm due to deliver, our 3-year-old begins a sleep regression which results in hours of him screaming bloody murder for me all because he just wants to be out of bed and watching his iPad. We have done the Ferber Method sleep training with our son since he was a baby, which completely changed our lives. I think it's wonderful and I recommend it to anyone. It does require some toughing it out but if you stick with it, it's worth it. As someone who feels somewhat of a veteran of the method now, I can tell you that the older they get, the harder it is to re-train through a regression. This one has by far been the worst because he can talk. And even without my pregnancy hormones, I probably don't have to tell you that hearing your precious toddler screaming "mommy mommy help help mommmy please!" absolutely rips my heart out. And for the record, he's completely fine. He's been fed, bathed, clean diaper, played with all day long, rocked, sang to, read to, and even got to watch his favorite shows during the day.

Now, I'm picking back up writing this post with 1 week left until delivery and our fridge has stopped working and we have a very leaky shower head in one of our bathrooms.

Ah, perfect timing... right?

Actually, yes, I think these things happened at the perfect time. Have I shed many tears over these situations? Absolutely, without a doubt. But, a part of my heart whispers gently in the midst of the stress, "there is a purpose, this is to help you, not hurt you".

During church yesterday, our pastor gave us two challenges for the week. The first is to focus on the good not the bad because there is actually more good in the world than there is bad. The second is to focus on eternal things instead of earthly things. Along with these challenges from our pastor that have encouraged my heart, in my Bible study this morning, I read a passage in which Jesus says to two blind men screaming for His help in the midst of a crowd, "What do you want Me to do for you?" (Matthew 20).

Imagine that. The Savior of the world asking a mere human being, "what do you want Me to do for you?"

That's how it is serving Jesus. Present Him with Your need and He will take care of You. I've found myself praising God so much over the last few weeks because He truly is so good. He is proving how He will continue to care for us. I've been so anxious as we've neared the end of this pregnancy, it's almost as if God has been saying "Look at all I'm doing, why would I stop now?" God knows exactly what we need. He is the driver. Even when we don't understand the route that He takes, we can be sure that it is to bring glory to Him and good to us.

These problems I have had lately have helped remind my heart to be happy and focus on our Savior, not our situation. Even when something feels scary, He's going to be there and I'm personally so grateful to serve a God who loves us this much.

Take it all to God.

Until next time.