Grace over Guilt

Being near my third trimester of pregnancy and chasing an almost 3-year-old all day long has its challenges. As one might imagine, some days by bedtime, I am feeling so worn down that I feel like I can't move another muscle.

Last night was one of those nights for me. I'm not here to complain about how I felt because I am extremely thankful for my ability to be pregnant and all that comes with it. I know that if it meant having my kids, I would gladly feel this way all the time if I had to. But it is very true that last night I was feeling quite majorly uncomfortable. Instead of my normal taking a shower and going to clean up the downstairs from the day before bed, I put my son to bed and laid down in our bed, with all intentions to get back up and do my normal routine. When one discomfort melted into another after my laying down, I could not find the motivation to get back up thus leaving the mess from yesterday for the next day.

No big deal, right?

It certainly isn't a big deal in all reality but the guilt I have felt over this one night of skipping this part of my routine to rest because my body needed it, has consumed me. Last night it was being unable to focus and really relax knowing I'd left a mess. It was apologizing when there's nothing to apologize for. I was waking up the next morning with dread and anxiety so severe I didn't even want to go downstairs. It was a massive distraction from focusing on God.

Why is this the case? I know I'm not alone in this.

As my mind raced with these negative thoughts and emotions, a voice in the back of my mind kept repeating "if God gives you grace, why can't you give it to yourself?" I think that as people and specifically as women we can naturally put so much pressure on ourselves over every little thing. For me, that is keeping the house neat and tidy, and creating a nice and peaceful environment for my family. I know that God has called me to be a homemaker, a wife, and a mom. It's made very clear to me that this is the job that God has called me to in this season of life and I take it seriously. Very seriously. The issue with that is that even small problems become a driving force for the guilt that I can hardly settle. It's this type of guilt and the all-dreaded "mom guilt" that really gets me down (cue me crying over missing a swim lesson with my son because I'm sick).

All these thoughts of why I feel this way and why it's in these moments I find it so difficult to feel like I am doing as God wants me to do has caused a bit of a conviction in my heart.

"For the Lord your God is gracious and compassionate. He will not turn His face from you if you return to Him."

2 Chronicles 30:9

He is gracious and compassionate. The way that we treat ourselves and the way that we think of ourselves is directly linked to how we view God. When we mess up, God is not here to say "I told you so". When I skip cleaning the kitchen one night or skip a swim lesson because I am sick, God's not here saying "Look what you've done now, you've ruined everything. Your family will suffer because of you!" No, never. He's here always offering grace and rest when it's needed. He's here reminding me that He has created my body in a way to let me know when I need to take a break and when I need to power through.

If He gives me grace, I need to give myself grace.

This is something I very clearly need to work on. I don't view God as a Father who never gives grace. I know He gives it freely and is right here for me through all situations. Therefore, I need to change how I view giving grace to myself.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope this served as an encouragement to you.

Until next time.