My Littlest Love

It certainly feels a bit strange not having this idea for a big social media post to announce something so big.

Since I've quit social media (one of the best things I've ever done, by the way), I find it funny to think of all the things I shared before. Honestly, I'm a bit embarrassed by how much I shared, actually. But you can't change the past and the only place to look is ahead. It's a different life now and this time around, things are different in more ways than one.

One January morning, I got up and boldly decided to take a pregnancy test. I normally wouldn't unless I was very sure that there was a real chance it would be positive and I definitely had signs that it would be but I had been putting it off in fear of being disappointed. When I normally test, I shut my eyes after the fact and refuse to look until it's been the full amount on the timer. I bravely looked at this test immediately after I laid it down, not even bothering with a timer. Turns out, I didn't need to start a timer. It was very strongly positive.

Positive. Another baby. I think I just stood in total shock. My husband wasn't home at the moment, which was funny. I felt so many emotions. It wasn't a complete surprise but also I feel like it always is when you find out you are carrying a new life in your womb.

It is true what they say, every pregnancy is different. And mine has been noticeably different from my first. I hurt already with the pain I don't remember having with my eldest until I was nearly in the third trimester. I've been sicker and more tired. My cravings have been uncertain and only stay for a day or two. But the biggest difference is the amount of worry I feel.

With my eldest, I worried, of course. But this time, I worry more. Every ache, pain, funny feeling, I am so incredibly paranoid. I brought this up to my doctor, thinking this was really weird. Thinking this time around I should be less worried because I know what I'm doing. She comforted me in saying it was completely normal and that most women feel this way, thinking "There's no way we could be that blessed again". Oh, what a difference a good doctor makes.

Despite my worries, our first appointment went perfectly and our baby is thriving with no worry from my doctor about me or our little baby. A relief. Encouraging.

Yet fear sets in. I've had more symptoms that are normal according to my doctor's office but are nonetheless scary in the moment. Thankfully I've only had one "bad" spell and it was over rather quick but caused me to do something that could've ended badly. It was only by God's grace it ended the way it did. That very morning it happened, fear was seeping in every fiber of me. Worried my little baby was hurt or my body was hurt, in turn hurting my little baby. I reached out to the doctor's office and decided to do my morning devotional. I had a passage of scripture to read but one verse stood out to me.

"No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety."

Psalm 16:9 NLT

These were the words I read that morning after my scare. You see, even though fear was setting in, part of me just knew everything was fine and then I read these words. What a God moment. I'm beyond grateful for the comfort and peace God gives so generously and faithfully.

The doctor's office contacted me back as well, giving me confidence in the normality of the situation with no concern for the baby's well-being and tips on how to help control this happening. It made me so grateful to hear those words from a medical professional and made me more grateful God led me into this doctor's office years ago.

As I reflect on being pregnant with my eldest, I remember being so afraid to leave the hospital after having him (ready to go home but scared to have a baby on my own without someone telling me what to do). I remember the fear that washed over me once the first couple weeks of newborn bliss were gone after all our family who'd stayed was gone and my husband had gone back to work. What on earth do I do with a baby?

I figured it out rather quickly and this time around, I'm so ready to get to that point. I'm ready to throw our little baby into the mix of daily life and start our new routine. Of course, I don't want to rush anything really (except the stay in the hospital, I dread it terribly being away from AJ) because I do cherish these moments when it's just my son and me. I also want to cherish what my body is doing, growing this child. It's certainly an exhausting job but I love watching and feeling the changes, knowing each step grows our little baby.

The time will be here before we know it. Very soon we shall find out the gender. Baby names, nursery themes, and all the preparations will begin and I'm so excited.

I'm incredibly thankful to God for this new blessing and for those I already have. I'm grateful to God for being here every step of the way and choosing me to have these children. Being a mother is one of my favorite roles.

Our family is growing and change is coming.

I'm grateful for it and I welcome it.

Until next time.