Profound

13 years ago when I sat at my father's funeral, I would've never believed you if you told me how my life would be today.

13 years ago everything I had ever known was completely ripped apart and turned upside down.

Rarely do we ever see God's plan in the midst of trouble and heartache but that doesn't make it any less there. Only after many years can I look back at these moments of that fatal accident and see more of how God was at work the whole time.

As I have gotten older, there have been times when God walks me back through the events of that day 13 years ago. A lot of times He uses some of these moments to teach me something in the present day. For example, a few years ago as I began digging deeper into the Bible, I began to wonder how any of us in the modern day could ever make it to heaven. Now of course I know that the answer is Jesus. But when I was reading I just thought about how different we are from those in the Bible. The sin isn't different, but it just seemed like the way of life was so different that I couldn't wrap my head around how any of us could go to heaven even as seemingly faithful Christian people. I even began to question if my loved ones who I thought to be very devout Christians made it to heaven because, after all, I didn't know all their personal troubles. Since then, of course, God has done some work on my heart and shown me how we can go to heaven. But I want to share something specifically He revealed to me that helped me to believe.

He walked me back through the accident. When I got to the part of getting into the ambulance and driving to the hospital I remember something strange that happened. For whatever reason I could hear an older lady (our cousin) from our church singing. She was singing so clearly and plainly that it was like she was in the ambulance with me. Looking back I thought maybe it was just something to do with shock or my brain trying to do anything to distract from the situation but now I think I understand more of why I heard it. She was singing this:

"Some glad morning when this life is over

I'll fly away

To a land where joy will never end

I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh, Glory

I'll fly away

When I die, Hallelujah, by and by

I'll fly away"

When I was going through this questioning phase and God sent me this, I realized something. I don't actually know when my father died. I don't know if he died at the hospital or if he died on the scene. What is this song saying? "When I die, Hallelujah, by and by, I'll fly away." I don't think it can get much more precise than that. I truly believe God was giving me a glimpse into my father's entrance into Heaven.

Profound.

God knew down the road I would question this and He gave me an answer years and years before I even asked the question.

Absolutely profound.

Flash forward 13 years to the day. I never really know how the anniversary of my father's death will hit me. For the most part, it's gotten a lot easier to deal with. But still, the day itself (although in my opinion, it is just another day), can bring up some different emotions. There have been years that I've been completely fine and almost forgot the date entirely. There have been years where I just want to cry. There have been years where I'm angry and bitter. I just never really know what to expect.

This year, I woke up on the day pretty much just like any other average day. I felt happy, my mind set on what work I had to get done and what I was going to do with my boys. My 8-month-old very kindly woke me up an hour earlier than usual and after he went back to sleep, I just went ahead and got my day started which I think was a blessing. I got to sit and really reflect on the day and also write a letter to my dad which I found in therapy years ago to be very helpful in processing this grief. This year the day's emotion was one I don't think I ever experienced so intensely on the anniversary. That emotion was gratitude. All day long I just felt so extremely grateful. Here's where we relate back to that song I heard during the wreck all those years ago.

At one point during the day, I had just laid my boys down for their naps and I was doing my normal cleanup of the kitchen. I was standing at the kitchen sink, which is catty-cornered against two windows that look to our backyard, patio, and driveway. It was Memorial Day so my husband was off work. I could hear him on the back patio finishing some work outside and talking to our neighbors who had come over for a bit. The day had been filled with the kids running in and out playing with each other and that just fills my heart with joy to be able to live somewhere where it's possible to be friends with our neighbors and in a place that's safe enough for them to freely come back and forth. I was looking out at our backyard and how green and lush the grass and trees were, our pool open and shining, the beautiful afternoon sunlight golden and peaceful. All of a sudden, a song came to my mind and heart. One I haven't heard in years and it came in the voice of our cousin, yet again, whose voice rang out to me on that same day 13 years before in the ambulance. Only this time she sang:

"Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your blessings, see what God hath done;

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done."

Profound.

At that moment, completely overwhelmed by the blessings surrounding me, I felt God stir two messages in my heart.

Number one He was saying: "Look at what I've done. Look and see how I've delivered you and the plan that I had for your life."

Number two was this: "Why would I stop delivering to you now? I had a plan then and I have a plan now, why would I bring you this far to abandon you?"

The first part was reflection, the second part was hope.

Like most other Christians, I walk through times of struggle, and at the present time I have been wrestling with something in my heart and feeling a bit hopeless and God sends me this message.

13 years later, God is still using my father's death to fill me with hope.

Absolutely profound.

We rarely see the good in a bad situation in the midst but I can tell you right now that God has a plan and I am living proof of His goodness, mercy, and very careful planning and faithfulness in our lives.

Thank you for reading.

Until next time.