The Comparison Game

Lately, I have found myself in this mindset that I'm not a good enough mom. I evaluate how we spend our time, and how I'm feeling, and I generally feel discouraged. I mentioned in my last post how I feel this sort of renewal as spring arrives. I'm so grateful for this renewal because it helps combat the discouragement I feel.

There are women in my life that I admire as mothers. I love how they look or dress, how creative they are, how well-behaved and intelligent their children seem to be, and how they just manage to get it all done with airs of grace. While it is fine to have people around to admire and appreciate, I think that we can also find ourselves falling into that trap of comparison so quickly. I found myself jumping to the "how" questions. "How do you have so much energy?! How do you have time to cook, clean, go on dates with your husband, teach and care for your children, be creative, and have time out with your friends?! Your kid has never seen a Disney movie and you don't let them watch TV?! And seriously, HOW do you get your toddler to obey and eat something besides pb&j or Eggo waffles?!?!"

The list could go on and on and on. Somedays I feel really good about the choices I make as a mom and some days I feel like I shouldn't really be in charge of taking care of these little people because I am completely unqualified.

But God...

Two of the most beautiful words in the Bible.

In my game of comparison, I am reminded by God that I am different. We are all different. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses which affect much of how we do this thing called life and that includes motherhood.

An example in my life lately has been screen time. Now, I grew up in the age of "if we are sleeping without a VHS tape then we are not sleeping" and I am pretty sure this is a generational thing because I also know my step-siblings were the same way (and we were not raised together). So for me, the TV being on all the time and going to bed watching a show or movie was normal. Of course, now there are smartphones, iPads, and tablets that take screen time to the next level and so many things academic-wise are done on screens. I have personally been convicted about screen time over the last probably year or so, both for myself and my toddler. So I've gone through times when I try to limit it to the recommended 1 hour a day (upon further research this varies by where you look). I've also gone through times when we watched way more TV just because I was exhausted and needed him to chill out so I could feed the baby. I've also gone through times when I tried to let him have no screen time at all. It's been a lot and something that is a battle for me.

While my intentions were in the right place and I was following my convictions, instead of listening to what my body needed or even what God was leading me to do, I listened and observed and tried to recreate the schedules of other humans. When you say it like that, I feel like it's quite funny. Choose human ways over God's? That's kind of hysterical... and a little terrifying. While I was trying to mimic other peoples' ways, I was missing the point. I was on one of my kicks of no screen time at all for my toddler and trying to make dinner. He was running around with all his redheaded-toddler energy, terrorizing the village while my baby was also screaming because he was hungry and I was trying to cook and clean the kitchen as I wanted to reduce cleanup time after we ate (because duh, I was exhausted). It was so frustrating that I ended up taking my toddler to his room to stay until dinner was ready. I just simply couldn't do it.

My husband came up from work and asked where the toddler was and I told him about the chaos which has ensued. His response was a simple one, full of so much wisdom (as most things my husband says normally are, just don't tell him that), "You know, he can watch TV. It's not going to hurt him." OBVIOUSLY *facepalm*. I was so worried about trying to keep up with human standards that I was missing out on the big picture. How on earth is watching 30 or 40 minutes of TV while I cook dinner going to cause harm to my child? Surprise, surprise, it's not.

It seems simple, right? But like a lot of things in life, I made it way more complicated than it needed to be. So you know what I do now? On an average day, I don't let my toddler have any screen time until after his quiet time in the afternoon. Then once he is up, I turn on a show or movie so I can cook dinner in peace (or at least semi-peace depending on the mood of my 7-month-old). It has made such a huge difference and it's not causing him any harm. Now I honestly feel quite silly not doing this in the first place.

It does all seem straightforward but in this day and age of social media, I think it is so hard to be content with what we are doing because we are constantly overwhelmed by what everyone else is doing. Don't even get me started on my own screen time... I am on my phone, watching YouTube shorts and I see all these other beautiful women claiming to be disconnected from the internet, living in the moment and I am thinking wow, wish that could be me then reality reminds me that if what they are saying is true, they probably wouldn't be posting YouTube shorts.

It's all just this pretty picture everyone paints and although I feel like some are trying to remind us of how fake social media is, sometimes it's hard to dissect fantasy from reality. An example of this in my life is the amount of time people are taking to do their own personal devotionals and devotionals with their kids. It is not until I started listening to some old radio programs by Elisabeth Elliot that I could see the truth. I feel like for the most part if you watch a routine video online, it seems like the person has a whole hour to do a devotional as well as a million other things in the morning before their kids get up. Then later in the day, they seem to get all their kids to sit still and listen to a devotional for 30 minutes or more. Now, if that is really you, great! But if you are like most people, it's probably not you. On Elisabeth Elliot's radio program, Gateway to Joy, she is speaking with her sister-in-law, Lovelace Howard, about doing devotionals with children. I was always blown away by their family because it seemed like they were just all super well-behaved kids that sat every day listening to an in-depth devotional that their father simply read to them and then prayed over them. That was not the case, and I will tell you that hearing that gave me hope. She said as children, they would sing a hymn and their father would read. passage of the Bible and then pray over his children. She said it lasted probably around 7 minutes. 7 minutes? I was flabbergasted. Here I thought in order to have meaningful time in the Word at all you had to spend a minimum of 20 or 30 minutes. I was feeling as though my time spent studying the Word was inaccurate but turns out it isn't.

Of course, I don't have a whole hour in the morning for devotionals. But I do have 15 or so minutes. My 3-year-old will not sit still for a 30-minute devotional, but he will sit still for a 5-minute Bible story followed by a simple Q&A about the story since he always has lots of questions. It is all about what works for you and the best part? God knows what works for you. He created you. He knows you better than you know yourself.

Comparison is an ugly beast. I have to limit my exposure to the constant updates of the world to try to protect my mind and heart from constantly comparing myself with other people. Every person is different and what's right for someone else to do, may not be a fit in your life. And that's okay. Our God is a personal God. He knows our hearts and our personalities, our struggles and our strengths, our past and our future. He will walk with you and lead you in the direction He wants you to go. It's a great source of comfort to me knowing that my God will guide me in whatever I do in life. I just have to pray and keep close to Him.

Until next time.