Why I Hope

I find myself at this early morning hour (between the hours of 2 and 3 am), awakened with a start and in a panic. I’m feeling my normal feelings of anxiety at being started awake when it’s not by one of my children. I immediately did what I do to calm myself down (which is distraction) and then took inventory of what was going on and also remind myself of God’s nearness.

I noticed tonight that my stomach is very upset, as it has been on and off today, my sinuses are acting up and my ears are ringing (related to the sinuses, I know through an experience I had this summer). I also have tingling feet and arms accompanied by a hot flash and sweating. I immediately worried as I awoke that I was going to have an episode of vertigo. It’s not something I am plagued with on a regular basis but the experience in which I speak of from this summer included fluid on my ears and an almost infection that would cause short episodes of vertigo.

I go into a stage of questioning whether something is actually wrong at this point. Is my stomach upset because I’m going to have a vertigo episode? Am I sick? Do my ears ring due to a terminal illness? Is this only an act of hormonal changes since I’ve given birth nearly 4 months ago and resumed my cycle again? Did I eat something that made me sick? I can hear my breastfed baby in his bassinet beside me wrestling around, normally a good indicator that he also has an upset tummy, so the possibility is there. My brain, quite frankly, scans my entire body and surroundings trying to find the result of the reason I am awake instead of taking advantage of these beautiful hours of sleep that are especially precious when you have young children.

Whatever the reason, once I calmed down for the most part (with returning waves of anxiety as my stomach gurgled), I turn my attention to God and why He wants me awake right now. I heard years ago this idea that if you’re kept up at night or awakened and cannot fall back to sleep, then perhaps God is trying to speak to You. My mind is now brought to “the why”. And the question that comes to my head is not even necessarily a why I would ask myself but perhaps a why that a person outside of my faith might ask. I notice that anytime I am getting ready to make strides in my spiritual relationship with the Lord, the enemy comes along to try to stop me in whatever way he can. My anxiety oftentimes is a tactic used by Satan to paralyze me from moving forward. I view my anxiety as a sign to redirect my gaze to God.

God uses what the enemy means for evil and turns it for good. Although a panic attack seems bad or perhaps even being sick to my stomach or maybe even about to have a vertigo episode seems even worse, there is good in it. I can understand an outsider saying “Why not just give in to the enemy if it would take these ailments away? Why serve God if you are left with strife?”

Well, if you were a person outside my faith or perhaps struggling on your journey, I would tell you the reason I don’t give up is that God has given me hope. I’m currently trying to teach my toddler a new life skill which has been very stressful. Although a teacher by trade I am, teaching this skill is very daunting and I feel as though my efforts are going nowhere. When I was particularly discouraged a few days ago, the still small voice of my Heavenly Father spoke out to me very clearly and said “keep persevering, good things are coming.”

Those words have given me comfort and hope like nothing else ever could. No amount of friendship, romantic relationship, money, food, entertainment, or medication could give me the hope that those few words give right now. It’s glorious to have something to hope in.

Right now, I accept that I’m awake and not feeling the greatest physically or mentally. Whatever the purpose, maybe it was just so I could write this post you are reading right now, I trust and believe that good things are coming from it.

Thank you for being here.

Until next time.